Don’t Mention Connie.

It’s break. whoooo!

 

Okay, not so much. Today I still had college classes and a dentist appointment. I don’t do so well at the dentist. But let me tell you about today’s experience.

 

So the dental hygienist at my office is awesome. We only schedule our appointments with her because she is just the best. She has never ever hurt us and even if she has, I haven’t noticed because she is so enjoyable to talk to the entire time (well listen to, I can’t talk much while in the chair).

 

Any way, I get there today and the desk lady tells me she had to go home because her son was sick and that I could have Connie. 1st off, Connie is a bad omen for me. When I was maybe 6 or 7 I had this dream where I went into my basement and this lady came out of the bathroom and said, “Hi, Im Connie!” and then she killed me. Ever since then, haven’t reacted so well to the name Connie, weird, huh?

 

Turns out I have to go back to the dentist next Friday because of a few small cavities, which is so unfair! I brush and floss and my brother doesn’t and who gets the cavities? yeah, me! I didn’t have cavities for like the first 16 years of my life. And knowing that my teeth aren’t perfect makes me cry. After I left I cried as I drove around town for a little bit. I hate drills and I hate the sound the drill makes (that is the WORST) I told my mom she has to go with me that day, no excuses!

 

So my Tuesday? Not so great. I’m still in need of a hug.

 

On a different note: I went and saw Harry Potter on Sunday. It was good, I guess. I never read the books, I just go because I like the way Harry Potter is filmed. I posted it on facebook, but I seriously loved loved loved Emma Watson’s wardrobe throughout the entire movie. She’s always been so classic in my mind and this just added to it. It was very Brit-autumn-relaxed.

 

I also saw the preview for Red Riding Hood coming out in March of 2011. Definitely not a kids movie. Its like sexified, hot Red Riding Hood:

 

REALLY excited!

Tell Me: Am I Addicted to You?

If bullshitting had an Olympics category, im pretty sure id qualify to compete for the United States. Yes, I know, that sounds cocky. But, at the core, this is me.

 

I just finished my best friends AP Environmental Science homework about a movie, I have never watched. AND I kicked everybody’s ass on that forum, including the teacher’s. I love me at times like this. My best friends computer was acting up so she asked if I could just log on and write a couple of sentences. We all know this is not how I do things. I wrote three paragraphs. Yes, three! Told you I kicked ass.

 

That seriously makes me the coolest nerd EVER. I would take being me over anything any day. I was thinking about it the other day and my days are made when I have a really intelligent conversation with somebody. In Botany one day we were talking about the Bermuda Triangle and all the discovery shows we watched about it… This had nothing to do with my science class, we were actually very off topic. The rest of my day was amazing, just because I talked about magnetic fields for 15 minutes.

 

I don’t know if it’s because I’m in the middle of possibly my best debate season ever, or what… but I’m so on top of the news, foreign policy issues, science, politics. YET, I can barely make it to school for a full week. You know what I say? Fuck the public school system. I would be so much smarter if I didn’t have to deal with all this stuff. The teachers, the students, the homework. I just want to sit in a class and learn. If you other kids don’t want to… then they can leave. I could really care less if they’re having babies or smoking nutmeg, or whatever they’re doing these days.

 

I’m so addicted to being with smart people. And not like smart dull people, like quirky, weird, eccentric, smart people. I strive to be that person every day!

Am I the Only One? Yeahhhh.

Today…. I took what my best friend and I like to call a “mental health day”. It’s sort of funny because, I take these a lot, and they never seem to have quite the effect I hope they’ll have. Though sometimes they do put some things in perspective for me.

 

I thought a lot about the people in my life today and you know that saying that goes a little like:

 

Don’t worry about the people from your past, there is a reason they didn’t make it to your future.

Well, I’m starting to really believe it. My best friend and I talked about how all throughout high school we’ve always been each other’s best friend even when other people would come and go. I’m so grateful for her. All of my really good friends are my really good friends for different reasons, and I think that is really good for me. Some of them I love because they push me to do better, some are there for support, others I have a lot in common with. I’m not sure what I would do without them, and right now I’m just very thankful they are all in my life.

 

I call Jennifer my best friend because she isn’t afraid to tell me I’m a nerd, or speak her mind, even if sometimes I don’t want to hear it. Today my mom, her and I were watching VH1 and one of the classic songs was from the 90’s. I was like what the heck?! I am NOT old, im from the 90s!

 

Long story short we found an old Backstreet Boys CD and a Dream Street CD (for those of you who don’t know Dream Street, that would be Jesse McCartney’s first music project) and I thought that was like the greatest thing that has happened all week, seriously! Jenn just made fun of my music tastes from a decade ago. In fact, I’m pretty sure she took her own car to town just to avoid the fact that I said we were listening to BSB on the way there. haha!

 

I think about when I was IN LOVE with that band, and my god how things have changed! Regardless, I think my music taste has always reflected my personality… and therefore, my music taste is pretty awesome. Basically, I’ve concluded from the music I listen to that I am:

 

- part of the main stream.

- pretty mellow.

- a total sucker for piano because its so classic ==> id like to think im pretty classic.

- reluctant for change but give it a chance.

- have a decent sense of humor

- and a little crazy, but only sometimes.

 

With that being said, I leave you with my song of the day! haha You know you loved them too.

Getting There.

I’m sitting here desperately trying to study for my criminal justice test tomorrow, but I can’t stop thinking about other things.

 

I’m so scared. I’m scared about not knowing what I want. Mostly in the terms of college but other things too. What’s even scarier: the person that I trusted for advice told me that I didn’t have to know what I want yet, and they still don’t even know what they want. That can’t ever be me.

 

I mean there are plenty of things I know I want… nice cars, a law degree, the security of knowing I made it in this world. But the bulk of things I want, aren’t tangible, and most of the time I think that is a problem, but sometimes I don’t… which REALLY is a problem.

 

Everybody tells me I’m so ambitious.. but I don’t even know what I’m ambitious for. For being that person I know I’m capable of? For proving that I can do everything I say I’ll do? Does it even mater?

 

In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever felt the slightest bit ambitious. I’ve felt motivated. Those aren’t the same things, by the way. I do what I do because that’s what I’m expected of, that’s how things are supposed to work.

 

I also consider myself a very strong person. I don’t tolerate people who aren’t strong very well. But lately, it’s easier to see that more and more people that I surround myself with are not as strong as I thought they really were. I walk around school and I hear comments like, “how does she get a boyfriend and I don’t?” Well, it’s because you have standards and you know what you deserve. don’t ever tell yourself you don’t. Then I have the friends who rid themselves of people that have wrecked havoc on their emotions, did nothing but play with who they were and because that feeling of love or lust or hate or whatever was “real” they can’t get over it. They’ll go back. I’m told I don’t understand, and I don’t want to. I’d rather know what I deserve and keep walking than resort to the past just to get back a feeling.

 

I know I don’t have all the answers… obviously. I’m so scared of what I don’t know, but what I do know is that I’ll keep working really, really hard for what I don’t know and maybe learn something on that journey rather than harness something I don’t believe in.

 

This post is really more of a cheer to a new chapter. I know I'll keep walking and though there’s people who I really do love… I can’t wait, and I don’t have the guts to say that I can’t wait, because if they asked me to I would… but they won’t, so…..

 

on to the next.

Competition? I’m There!

This weekend has been like, super long! I’m sitting here yawning (even though I slept 12 hours last night haha) but it was pretty good, nonetheless.

 

Friday night was the big football game against our newest rival, South High School. I had a blast. I was on the field taking pictures for newspaper and its so different on the field than in the bleachers, I have to say. The energy is incredible, but at the same time it’s a lot less tense than most people would think. At one point I was standing in front of a bunch of players and they were talking about how the dude standing next to them looked like an Avatar. I had to laugh. We lost, in overtime and it sucked! Such a good time, such a good game.

 

However, I did come to the conclusion that I am too much of a fan to be a photographer. I would find myself getting really into the game and then telling myself, “oh crap, kara, take pictures!” I haven’t had a chance to see the pictures I took, though. Tomorrow! Hopefully, they turned out pretty well!

 

Saturday was the first, official tournament for Speech and Debate. I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t as prepared as I have been in the past. My partner and I did pull off a third place, despite the lack of preparation. I’m super proud of her! She’s a freshman and placed third in a senior category, I think she’s goin’ places. We didn’t make the final round by just points, how lame, huh? We plan on creaming everybody next week though. IT IS ON.

 

I think the gist everyone should be getting from this blog is that im uber competitive. haha!

 

After the tournament some of the varsity members and I went out to dinner. It was nice. Speech meets are so loud sometimes and rowdy, plus these are the people that will make me better so we try to recap the day a little bit.

 

This weekend has been all over the place and I’m ready to start a new week, im rarely ever ready for that. lol.

Top three Senior PF teams

I Stand Here

I’m taking a short break to blog, I feel I need it. I should blog on a more regular basis because I always have a lot to say but it seems like a lot of the time things just all happen at once and my thoughts go about a million miles a minute.

 

My weekend started a little early with a High School Journalism Conference on Thursday at CSU-P. The speakers were not what I expected, and truthfully, I thought I was above most of them, however, it was a good place for me to get excited about my newspaper again. Yes, I call it my newspaper. I feel like its my senior project almost. The paper used to be so good and it was just let go. Even though it isn’t, I feel like its my duty to get it back up and running again. It’s special to me.

 

There is another thing about newspaper… I’m finding it harder than ever to draw a line between being friends and being a boss. One of my best friends is a staff member. She’s wild and crazy and I love her to death but I really want things to work out for the paper and I feel that because she has a grudge against the teacher at the moment and isn’t planning on sticking around next semester she’s in no way benefitting my job. I’m sort of at a loss, because this paper isn’t just for me, its for future students. I don’t know really what to tell her, or if I should tell her at all.

 

Among other things on my mind, my social life has been much different lately. I’m not sure I like it either. I’ve always been so introverted and cynical and nerdy, but lately I’ve been going out and hanging with some new people (wanting to hang with a few others… trying to make that work) but the more I do, the more I realize why I am who I am.

 

Example 1: Went to haunted houses this weekend and met this guy, who I wasn’t really interested in but he said he could maybe hook me up with a paranormal investigation, which id be all over in a heartbeat. But now, he txts me all. the. time. and oh yeah, calls me beautiful. what the hell? And mind you, this is the second guy in a row to throw that clingy shit on me! I am SO not about that.

 

Which leads me to the next thing on my mind: The moment a person (guy) tells me they admire my ambition and keep feeding me compliments, it is over. It sounds weird, but I never want to be the person in a friendship/relationship/etc. that is the best. I want some sort of competition and that other person to make me work harder at what I do. I thrive in that environment.

 

It seems like I just keep getting deeper into my projects and become more okay with it. Today I totally felt like an assistant. I had to create a budget, and ive been taking/transferring calls all night. Right now I feel really balanced, and I’m just taking the punches as they come.

 

2 college apps down, and I'm really proud of myself for that! Things are feelin’ really good right about now! I’m really scared for college, but somebody told me yesterday that its okay if things change, and its okay not to know the next step, and I took that with as open mind as possible. I worry, but I feel a little bit better now.

 

So I suppose this break is over, I feel better writing (well duh, journalistic instincts) The rest of my night consists of more assistant work and texting my best friend about the soap opera shes watching on telemundo. love her!

catch UP

Woah! I have been uber busy, and haven’t blogged in forever.

Life… is… interesting. I have a ton of homework to do but I really don’t feel like doing it. I never feel like doing homework when I’m sad.

Tonight was the kick off to my speech and debate season, and I busted out as superior speaker, not too shabby.

This weekend I went to my bff’s homecoming with  a huge group and had the best night in a long time. Somebody told me the other night I was growing up too fast, and at first I sort of took offense to it… I really have no clue why. Maybe because I haven’t been a kid in so long or because this particular person I was always afraid would look at me differently because I’m younger than they are. Either way, I’ve always acted like I’m 24 (even before knowing this person).

With that in mind I had a blast Saturday night, I acted like I was in high school. And I know that is what high school is supposed to be like all the time, but it’s not me all the time.

After tonight, despite my winning, I feel sad and calm and lonely and sick. I think maybe because with every speech/debate event that takes place I’m that much closer to being done, I really do love it. But at the same time I’ve always hung with my older teammates and now I don’t really have any friends, so I’m lonely. I work hard and I’m drained. All I wanted to do was come home and talk to somebody (specific) but they are nowhere to be found in cyber space.

There are also two people from this weekend I would really like to talk to… but I might have to give that a little time.

Until then, I will mope and let my autumn scented candle burn away the bad feelings as I TRY to finish my dreaded Macbeth study guide.