Getting There.

I’m sitting here desperately trying to study for my criminal justice test tomorrow, but I can’t stop thinking about other things.

 

I’m so scared. I’m scared about not knowing what I want. Mostly in the terms of college but other things too. What’s even scarier: the person that I trusted for advice told me that I didn’t have to know what I want yet, and they still don’t even know what they want. That can’t ever be me.

 

I mean there are plenty of things I know I want… nice cars, a law degree, the security of knowing I made it in this world. But the bulk of things I want, aren’t tangible, and most of the time I think that is a problem, but sometimes I don’t… which REALLY is a problem.

 

Everybody tells me I’m so ambitious.. but I don’t even know what I’m ambitious for. For being that person I know I’m capable of? For proving that I can do everything I say I’ll do? Does it even mater?

 

In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever felt the slightest bit ambitious. I’ve felt motivated. Those aren’t the same things, by the way. I do what I do because that’s what I’m expected of, that’s how things are supposed to work.

 

I also consider myself a very strong person. I don’t tolerate people who aren’t strong very well. But lately, it’s easier to see that more and more people that I surround myself with are not as strong as I thought they really were. I walk around school and I hear comments like, “how does she get a boyfriend and I don’t?” Well, it’s because you have standards and you know what you deserve. don’t ever tell yourself you don’t. Then I have the friends who rid themselves of people that have wrecked havoc on their emotions, did nothing but play with who they were and because that feeling of love or lust or hate or whatever was “real” they can’t get over it. They’ll go back. I’m told I don’t understand, and I don’t want to. I’d rather know what I deserve and keep walking than resort to the past just to get back a feeling.

 

I know I don’t have all the answers… obviously. I’m so scared of what I don’t know, but what I do know is that I’ll keep working really, really hard for what I don’t know and maybe learn something on that journey rather than harness something I don’t believe in.

 

This post is really more of a cheer to a new chapter. I know I'll keep walking and though there’s people who I really do love… I can’t wait, and I don’t have the guts to say that I can’t wait, because if they asked me to I would… but they won’t, so…..

 

on to the next.